sometimes you just miss

this is going to be hard, Littlest is nursing and trying to kick the keyboard. What is that? Nak/Ktk? anyways, sorry lame jokes.

It's amazing with the stuff that has been happening that something accidental should bring me down so much, to my "I'm just missing something about communication/friendship" mood. My husband hasn't worked in over a week, we are now stealing water from the city (ours got shut off b/c we didn't pay the bill, and DH just turned it back on), we have NO money, and I mean that literally. Not like most people "Oh we're broke right now we can't go out." and really they could, it wouldn't be advisable but they could actually do it. You know they have $300 in their bank account, etc. No my account is at $0.00. Husbands is around $5. I think he has a very small amount of cash. Anyways, that isn't the point. So Oldest crapped on the floor while Middlest, who takes FOREVER to poop, was on the toilet. They then BOTH spilled cereal and milk on the floor. I listened to oldest cry and scream for about an hour 2 nights in a row because husband was not at home (he was at job interviews) at bedtime. It turns out I won't be able to go to midwifery school now, which I am oddly at peace with since I had been feeling a little like it wasn't really the right time, with the kids and all. Now that isn't what pushed the decision just the unpredictability of where husband is in his job and his crazy hours...oh and the money thing. SOOO a lot has been going on,and it hasn't overly upset me, or set me screaming at the kids. I have remained calm, playful, loving, supportive, all those things you attain to as a parent. Then i botched the fundraiser at our school. maybe not really, but we only sold 8 lunchboxes, including the two I bought that we can't afford, but us wanting these was the whole reason I did the stupid thing in the first place. When I planned it, we had the money. BUT I thought oh, well I am going to buy them anyways, might as well help the school make a little money. I suck at planning things, even when I THINK I do a good job, it just never comes together well.

Now to the gist of what brought everything to a head. The Tampa Bay Birth Network had it's first potluck ever. Very cool right? My friend/midwife invited me, which is great b/c I have been needing to get with her and ask some questions. Part of the choice to not pursue midwifery right now involves attempting to get a job as a birth assistant since I just can't see myself staying away from births. I feel compelled to be involved, like I just need to see births, I need to read about them, i need to help women, I NEED to do it. She works for the birth center I want a job at, she is my ali in this quest, I have so many questions, I am nervous about approaching the owner/midwife. Talking to people can make me very nervous and panicky inside. Not if I know people, I am amazingly outgoing once I know people. If I am talking about things I am very interested in I can easily shed the nervousness as well. But initially, especially when someone seems very cool or knowledgeable in a way I would like to be I am kind of horrified and stupid when it comes to talking to them.

okay point, sorry. rambling. We went, we were early. The first ones there. We stayed, I mean Hell, Husband came and he so totally isn't in to this stuff, the kids were running around, which wasn't a problem until the introductions started taking place. Then my midwife/friend called, she was lost far away. So we left. The ride home was a bit depressing. I mean we don't really have the gas to get there in the first place, I only really went to see midwife/friend, and the kids acted sort of wild, oh and all started screaming and crying in the car. Husband was sweet, he talked to me, and then even hit a couple of extra streets on the way home so we could see christmas lights.

anyways the baby is grabbing at the mouse now. I better head out. (and once again we checked out a great program at our library, this time it was a puppet show, the kids really loved it. Even Littlest, who by the way is 10 months old, is walking more now, and said another word-Kiss)