a letter to my mom

The truth is I'm a bitch and I'm sorry, I don't actually want to hurt your feelings and I know it must be so hard to be in the position you are in, but it's just stressful when you call me for everything and I can't really help you. I have no car, I have no money and I have 4 kids I NEED to take care of and the burden of caring for you pisses me off because most of the time you won't help yourself. There is so much pent up feelings from when you weren't there for me or you blamed me for what went wrong in your life; as if a teenage me dealing with past sexual abuse and feeling tormented in my mind could not cut herself as if getting baker acted for it was somehow my fault and all a plot to make your life miserable. So the car was taken and it was my fault but I know they wouldn't take the car for one late payment there has to be more to that story. and that you would scream at me ad blame me years later after I got my act together or bitterly spit out how I used to be a "drug addict" when I was that fucked up teenager. It's not the same as a 50 year old alcoholic that can't remember even how the hell she got home from the bar or who doesn't actively do anything to change her life. You have had months and months to figure out your living situation , to change it. We offered our (tiny) house (that doesn't even adequately hold our family) as a place to crash so you could save up a down payment for a place you could afford, and I know it would suck to lose your autonomy but it would be a step towards getting it back with the ability to pay for it and you stubbornly refuse. This is my house and I won't give up everything! but it's not forever, Mom! It's so you don't lose everything, it's so you can save some of what you have and move on to other things, so you don't end up on the street or scrambling with no money and no home. It's for me too, so I don't have to be the one trying to figure out what to do with you and your stuff on a moments notice, it's so I don't have to live for over a year wondering what the hell is going to happen to you next month, what's going to happen if you can't pay your rent. I don't want to drive you to the store, I don't want to swing by the library, I don't want to have to take care of you, I want you to take care of you. I want the mom you were to come back, the one who was amazing when I was little, who cooked, and sewed, who was in the PTA and my girl scout leader, the one who was sure of herself and involved. I hate that you stopped parenting when I became a teen because I needed you. I hate that when I stayed at your house and I was sick and coughing you came out and told me to stop coughing, as if I could, because I was disturbing your wife. I hate that when I just wanted to hug you that one day, you pushed me away and went across the street. I hate that you smoked pot with me and I hated even more when you got drunk with my friends and you were so embarrassing and sloshy and slurry.I hate that you basically abandoned my twin for your girlfriend, that you told her at 17 that she had to go find her own place. I hate that I am scared that I will give up on my kids, that I might decide I don't want to parent anymore. I know I wasn't an easy teenager, I know you helped me and that in all rights I should help you when you are going through a rough time but I am angry that it's happening already because you made shitty choices. I hate that I can't forgive you and I hate that you had such a rough life and I hate that I am such an ungrateful daughter and I hate how I am so like you in some ways yet love some of the other ways I am like you, I hate how I seemed to get the worst things of both parents. I hate that you don't have a special person like I have Hubs. Please, if you can just try to help yourself a little more and not wait until the last damn minute, if you can call Hubs when you want something from him instead of calling me to get him to do something for you, if you could pull yourself together and be the mom of my youth, the crafty, involved would stand up and fight for her kids mom. If you could just understand you are worth fighting for like you used to fight for your kids. and please, understand that I am trying. That when I do those little stupid things for you,when I ask about farmville or make a little joke, when I reach out I am trying. Trying to understand, trying to forgive. trying to rebuild our relationship and I am sorry for making you cry.