I can't sleep, too much happening in my head. I was sleeping until there was a crash and Hubs ran out of the room. A raccoon had got into the back room and knocked the lid off the metal trash can we use for the animals food. When he saw Hubs he ran bouncing into things, some of his escapes that were open even last night have been blocked by Hubs in an attempt to keep them out. Yesterday morning there was a container of dark cocoa powder pulled out of our pantry opened and spilled on the floor. Raccoon tracks in cocoa led to the back room. I guess he hasn't found all the entrances yet. After he scared the raccoon he sat up with a BB gun waiting. Laying in bed I heard something squeal and thought he got the raccoon, he didn't he got a rat. Stupid varmints. We keep blocking up various holes and they keep finding ways in. It's gross. New things fall apart or new things have to be deconstructed and reconstructed and new ways in open up. I can't wait until one day they can't get in at all.
I've been thinking about Hubs. Our 9 year wedding anniversary is coming up. Year 7 was hard, he was gone working and we almost didn't make it. Year 8 was great. Things haven't always been easy and at times they have been downright despairing, what with all the new issues regarding the house, it's falling apart faster then we can fix it and with work being sporadic. He sometimes works so much we don't see him, to no work at all and we have no idea how we will pay our bills. He didn't work for 2 1/2 weeks and by the end we were both freaking out. Facing a mortgage payment, an insurance payment, and a late electricity bill that couldn't be extended anymore. We were eating through the food in the house and I was at the worst part in early pregnancy when nothing tasted good but if I didn't eat I got sick but there wasn't a whole lot of choice of food in the house and no money to just go buy what sounded good to eat. Hubs was depressed because he couldn't provide for his family, the pride in that man, the determination to take care of us is so strong. He started applying for jobs ready to throw in the towel on his dream of his own company, anything to find work, to make money to take care of us. He sat around the house unable even to work on all the various projects that have to be done because without money you can't buy supplies and I think that made it even worse. My heart ached for him. Finally he got some work, it still isn't quite steady enough and he is still considering trying to find a job working for someone else, making a steady paycheck. He so wants his company to work, and by every right it should. You have a hard working, honest person that would never take advantage of anyone willing to do jobs for a reasonable price in the correct manner and he is sitting her without much work while companies that screw people over and steal prosper. I remind myself they will only prosper so long. The truth of their business practices will catch up to them and people will find new businesses to patronize. Hubs problem might be that he works for people who don't have as much money, people like us who have to put things off until it can't be put off anymore. Not because we are slackers or procrastinators but because there simply isn't money. You fix the most pressing thing first. But this isn't supposed to be about that, here I have once again gone off on a tangent, this is about Hubs and our 8th year. The reason it has been great is because he is home and we have each other again. I feel like with him by my side I can do anything, we can get through anything. It's me and him and our beautiful, amazing children and when we focus on that the rest doesn't matter. We have our health, we have each other and we have friends and family who care about us. I see sadness in the world, I see sickness, I see people trying to have babies who can't and I feel for them, my heart breaks for them, I want to give them babies and health and happiness. I do what I can for them, and I hold my family tight and I thank the world for what I have. I teach my kids to be compassionate and giving, I try to be compassionate and giving and maybe one person at a time, maybe by smiling at someone, by giving them what little we have, maybe by raising good people, maybe a snack to a bum, or soup to a new mom, or an overworked mom, maybe by lending an ear, or by Hubs doing a job at cost for someone without much money we are making a big impact somehow. Every time we give what we don't need away instead of selling it, every time we pay the favors we receive forward maybe that will be enough to thank the world for what we have. I imagine each small kindness building like a wave, spreading through the world crashing over it in love. These waves didn't start with me or with Chris, they started with the people who were kind to us.
I went to a wedding Saturday, one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been to, you could feel the love between the bride and groom and it was amazing and powerful. It reminded me of my wedding, I knew they loved each other like Hubs and I love each other. Blissful excitement. I love when the bride and groom are just SO happy to be getting married, it sends an energy bouncing around. 9 yeas later I feel that still for Hubs. I get excited when he comes home, I feel safe when he chases off raccoons, I feel taken care of when he works so hard for his family, I feel joy when I watch him interact with his daughters. I know that no matter where we ever are I will always want him to be by my side because nothing in life is as good without him.
We went on our first date in over 2 years last night. My twin and her boyfriend took us to a fancy restaurant we could never (okay there is that word, Hubs says I am negative because I use this word, I don't mean it as never, so I'll change it. We haven't been able to and probably won't be able to for a long while) afford to eat at. The food was great, the company was great. I am sure we were the only people in the whole place talking about farts but we were also the only people laughing so hard we were crying. It was really neat going out with Hubs, it's been far too long. We counted it as our anniversary dinner. Twin is also going to watch the kids so we can go on another date, just Hubs and I. It makes sense to celebrate such a great year so much, when we just got to be together. Last year he was working out of town on our anniversary. Funny that, such celebration to cap off a great year, no celebration to cap off last years HARD year, one year to cap off a financially tough year Hubs painted me flowers for our anniversary because he didn't have any money to buy me flowers. He took out the art supplies and painted. I still have them, the best anniversary present ever.