sick and mean

I have been sick. On and off for over a month. I am ashamed to say, I think I have probably gotten other people sick. Not exactly on purpose, I thought I was better. I mean how long can one be sick for? My husband thinks it is post nasal drip from allergies. I think I am going to call a doctor in the morning. I will have to find a doctor I don't have one. The last time I went to see a doctor was when my 3 year old was a baby and I was coming down with mastitis. I got a precautionary prescription that I never had to use.

My kids have been off and on sick as well. Even the poor baby who has a bit of a cough. she also has a quarter in her stomach, well it is probably in her intestines now. I feel bad for when she has to crap it out.

This is how it's been going. Sickness, and weird things. I admit (since I am in an admitting mood) that in the middle of all this I had some poor days as a mom. One day in particular. I love the heck out of my kids. I love my 6 year old with a fierceness that burns in my chest, but damn it she can be so mouthy and annoying too. On top of that are similar personalities clash something awful. I really do try to be the adult, but I find when i am tired, sick, or in a foul mood it is harder then normal. BUT this day I was a shit, I yelled, I swore, and I even hit her. I scared her in the way my father used to do to me when he would lose his temper. I walked out of the room afterwords, cried into my hands and then walked back in their, held her, and apologized. I explained it. I told her she never ever deserved to have someone treat her that way, and I was wrong to do that. From experience I know this explanation will only work so many times. I have to say I have been a lot better. There was a time when she was younger when I was a shit a lot, and through a concentrated effort I improved dramatically to the mostly peaceful mom. Even when I am irate I control myself. I may yell some, but I don't really hit. I got bad about swearing during my pregnancy and I have turned that around. So many bad habits, but it's changing. It's so easy to be a good mom when they are babies, but I WILL be a good mom always. Whatever it takes, affirmations, reading, moments to myself, I CAN DO THIS. and I usually do.