I am having a lot of trouble and confusion lately. Loneliness, resentment, sadness. I am not sure which path to pursue at the moment, which goals to make a reality. There are things I want to do with my life, and I don't know what I can do realistically, what my family can handle...namely what my kids can handle. I want to be a midwife. I want to own a farm. I want to make our little farm self sufficient. The plan is my husband earns money to buy this land, we build a house, we install solar, we grow food, we raise livestock we live this pioneer sort of dream. My husband will have to stay at the farm doing all the many, many things that need to be done to ensure we have enough food and to repair things, and just make this aspect of it work. While he does that I work as a midwife taking maybe 4 clients a month or something like that. The idea is that we don't need a lot of money because for the most part we will have everything we need, we will have made an owner built home using no credit simply paying as we build. So I am feeling now like we should work on this, but the truth is making this happen seems incredibly unrealistic at this point in our lives.
I'm told I am going through my 1/3 life crisis, that I am experiencing the upheaval of Saturn returning to where it was when I was born. Honestly the Wikipedia description of Saturn returning was fascinating and seemed pretty spot on. I feel in part it also has to do with my husband, whom I am unsure of at the moment. Maybe it has to do with Saturn returning, maybe it has to do with problems that have been building in our almost 8 years of marriage, maybe it's the 7 year itch, maybe it's that he is gone for work all the time now. I am essentially doing this alone. Now I know I am not truly doing it alone, because if I was I would have a paying job right now as well. I do not at all want to downplay the plight of the single mother. I tell myself that other people do this, look at military families, deployments of 6-9 months. What's a week or two? He comes home for a short time, and soon when he comes home he won't even be working another job. He'll come home and we will get him for 2 days. I ask myself how I can consider leaving him or how I can even be angry at him when he is doing what we need him to do so we can survive financially. Then I remind myself, it's not just him being gone, that compounds the problems but there are other issues at play.
So we have the marital problems that I won't delve into further at the moment, we have the career goal problem. Do I apply for midwifery school with the goal of joining the 3 year program starting in January 2011? How do I leave my kids for two night and three days every week? I could do it if they got to stay with their father or even an Aunt. But their Aunts have mostly moved and the other has a very hectic career schedule. Hubs says we will discuss this at another time. Now is not good. We will try to work something out, but all prefaced by an incredulous "In the middle of the week?" When I asked if he could fly home and take those days off while I am at school. Which honestly is a better reaction than I was expecting. Maybe I should give him more credit. I find it hard to though, I used to give him endless, boundless faith and belief and over the years it has shrunk. I like to call it realism, he thinks I just don't have faith in him. I could see how one would think that, but since my predictions and thoughts on what he will actually do turn out to be right most of the time I do believe I am being realistic. My mother would say I am putting out negative energy thereby fulfilling what I am putting into the Universe. "Energy is a powerful thing" she would say. I say, I just know my husband.
It seems to me I should put off this decision until I am not feeling so resentful, lonely and sad, but the application deadline is the end of October and I have already been awarded some financial aid. So I try to figure it out while balancing all the other things going on right now. I have too much on my plate at the moment. But in the end I guess I am actually handling it. I'm getting it done, feeling a bit stretched thin, a bit lonely but I'm doing it fairly successfully. I am mostly dealing with my kids in a calm manner, I am feeding them, bathing them, helping with homework, getting them to their activities, meeting their emotional needs. So I'm not making the kind of food I'd ideally like to be feeding them, so I am not doing as many art projects and fun little things with them. I AM in charge of their booster club, helping to provide fun activities at school, I AM getting them on little adventures occasionally. I DID bring the chickens in for a school visit, I DID Make a book about the chickens for the class. Littlest has baby time, Biggest has drama, girl scouts and gymnastics, Middlest has gymnastics and she tags along at girl scouts. We ARE doing this, maybe not how I pictured it before I had kids, before I had a hardly home husband but it's not half bad. I'm adjusting.
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